im crumbling away a little more each day Listening: Gwen Stefani- Hollaback Girl
I swear Im going insane. Im such an emotional mess right now. All day really. It all started last night, I think. In one of our convos over the weekend about our problems in this relationship his looking at porn was brought up. I seriously could give a shit less if he looks at porn but where the problem comes in at for me is when he would rather get off to it than instead of being intimate with me. I seriously dont get it. And the more I think about it the more I get upset. I mean, yeah, we have sex a lot more often than we did before but still it fucks with me when he'd (in my views) rather get off with his hand and some porn than with his gf. It seriously makes me feel inadequate... like Im doing something wrong (and I know that isnt the case) or that there is something majorly wrong with me-- to which he says theres not. What the hell is it than????
I was strutting around this morning in a sexy light blue sheer nighty and he couldve attacked me and I wouldve been ready but n0o0o0o instead he bitches to me about me wanting to stay home, so I drag my ass halfway to school only to get a call that tells me its been cancelled. In the meantime, hes home and online looking at porn. Surprise there, eh?
I think my extreme agitation towards him comes from me resenting my decision to drop lab classes. I mean I came to KY to be with my bf (whom I do love to death despite my many bitch-fests about him) and to become a mortician. When I enrolled in school I didnt think a time in our relationship would come where we were ready to bring children into the picture so quickly. And really that isnt the problem. I mean, gah! This is hard to explain. I think Im slowly driving myself crazy and am beginning to say and think once again, FUCK YOU WORLD. Thoughts of cutting come back and I dont want to do that but it always helps ease my pain. I really need to bring this crap up to the boy. Maybe he'll admit me into the looney tunes bin and I'll get some kickass high dosage of meds to make me oblivious to all the shit around me. Im also SICK of the drive I make everyday. And for what? Im not in the labs so why drive waaaaay up there? So now Im contemplating dropping out of CCMS and going to UK. At least its closer for me. And that kind of fucks with me too. Damned life. I dont know what to do really. Maybe I should call CCMS tomorrow and drop out due to personal reasons. That wouldnt be a lie. Im fucking mental right now. And pick up later. In the meantime take a break away from school, hang out for a bit doing my thing and than picking back up. And some minor changes to our relationship would do wonders as well. Please someone tell me Im not fucking crazy. Please tell me that this makes some sort of sense. It sounds good and it sounds like a good way to keep my sanity. And I think maybe disconnecting the internet as sucky as it would be would be a good thing for our relationship. Its in my name so maybe I'll just disconnect it. I know he'll bitch but for the sake of our relationship I think its worth it. |