yup, feelin pretty stupid. indeed.
@ 12:13 am on 28 February 2004
Listening: Ying Yang Twins- Say I Yi Yi
Eh, Im having one of my insecure shit moments. Been pretty emotional since I wrote my last entry.
Not hearing anything from Anthony was really getting to me. I tried to call but no answer. I left him another IM (no, I havent been crazy leaving 1200 msgs for him... just 2 and they werent long ones that could fill up a box). I just told him how I was upset that he wasnt even around to talk to, hell the last talk we had was back on Valentines and acpl short msgs since than.
So, anyways he replies back to the msg saying that he had spent acpl days over at his cousins place and that he hadnt been around.... said he hoped I wasnt mad at him for not being around and that he loved me.
He was so short with me though like he felt he had to say something. It didnt feel like he meant it. I dunno maybe Im just looking too much into it and not seeing it for what it truly was/is.
I guess I just assumed he would be around to talk to me for alittle bit since we havent really talked in awhile. And I hate to be the one to say that its starting to feel like my past relationships where Im just forgotten and left behind. My track record with relationships is....
very bad. Always has been. It seems like for awhile everything is so great and than it becomes 'routine' and it just fades off or its over before it ever really gets started. It scares me to think that it could happen between us. I dont want our relationship to turn out that way especially after all the plans we made. *sigh*
Everything feels like its spinning so fast around me and Im just idly standing by... .waiting, watching to see what happens next.
When I replied back to his msg tonight I told him I wasnt mad but upset that we didnt get to talk. I tried to understand where he was coming from when I wrote him but Im angry and hurt. Told him that I thought we wouldve got to talk alittle bit since he was off but guess not and told him Id catch him around sometime. And wished him a goodnight. I had no 'I love you" to offer and thats prolly fucked up on my part. I love him like no other but it just upsets me that he seemed so vague. *shrugs*
It wasnt something he would normally say, not typical. Makes me feel weird. The real sad pathetic thing of it all is (embarassed to even admit it) was that I waited around online for a very long time for him both nights. I couldve been doing something and I didnt while he was out having fun Im sure. How stupid of me. I wont be waiting around like that anymore. Never again.
I suppose I should email him... or something.
Earlier today I danced around to alot of songs and exercised. It felt good. I havent exercised in awhile just wasnt really feelin it. Im nice and sore so at least I know I made some progress.
And I guess I'll wean myself off of pop, or soda for you East Coasters...
I hope I can survive without it.....
Im contemplating deleting ICQ and Yahoo. Im not really on the one very often anymore. Yahoo is dwindling for me too. I prolly should focus on weaning myself from the net too.
Hope yall have a better weekend than Im obviously gonna have. Cya.
/edit:
Listening to 'Something I Can Never Have' by NIN is never a good idea when your feeling like I am. Just thought I should give a heads up.
/edit
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