say a prayer, please
@ 2:32 am on 29 February 2004
I feel... like the worlds biggest ass. If you read my previous entry than you know I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the hell out of line and being extremely needy and whiney. Totally selfish. Im not usually like that, how awful.
Needless to say I reacted, bigtime and things were definetly not as they seemed. But enough of that.
I predict things are about to get a helluva lot harder between myself and Anthony and if we can get through this upcoming battle than I know its meant to be.... This will be a test from God. Funny thing is, my gurl, Monica mentioned it to me alil while back before it all came to light. Amazing.
Im speaking of the reason I felt like an ass and jumped to conclusions as mentioned above. Fact is, Anthony was avoiding his parents place because he couldnt stand to see his dad in so much pain and hurt. His dad is very sick and seems to be taking a turn for the worst. :(
I hate even mentioning it in here because I feel like Im airing out business that isnt mine to tell....but I have to get it off my chest cause its making me so angry and sad.
His dad was coughing up blood and he was seen by a DR who said after tests were done that there was cancer on one of his lungs... DRs decided they didnt want to do surgery because it was way too risky and his dads air capacity would be severely decreased.
Well, further testing was done and they said the cancer hadnt spread but that it was more in the bronchial tubing leading to the lungs than the actual lung itself. Problem is the cancerous area is extremely close to his heart... lots of risk. I guess the DRs said that he could lose lots of blood and not even come out of the surgery.... and that if they could complete the operation that they would have to remove the entire lung.
The surgery is scheduled for 3 MAR.
Anthony is so, so sad and depressed. Nothing I say can take away how he feels and the 'what ifs' that go along during this time. I fear for his dads life as well as our relationship. His parents our his world.... and they are each others world, meaning that 'if' something were to happen to his dad, his mom would die shortly thereafter from loneliness. So cruel life can be. *sigh*
I know how he is though and hes thinking only the worst which is understandable. His talking earlier worried me... him having to drive over an hour to work, alone in the car just thinking and dwelling on everything thats about to happen and maybe change in his life. Anthony told me his dad only has 4 days left to have life.... and Anthony a lifetime of things he'll never get to do with his dad. God, its so heartbreaking.....
I need to be the strong, supportive friend and girlfriend and help him through everything that will happen... I can see despite how much he loves me and I him, that he will push me away and I cant let that happen. It will be crucial, it will either make or break us.
I asked him tonight to promise me that whatever happened that he wouldnt push me away and he said, "Sarah, I wont push you away, ok baby. I love you but bare with me on this because I really dont know how I will take it if something goes wrong but remember that I love you". It makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it and him going through this alone. I need to be there with him but I dont know if thats the best either, ya know?
We have faith and lots of it. Honestly, it'll be needed.
Please everyone pray for Frank in the hopes of a successful surgery, health and to be around for a longtime to come.
God Bless.
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