fucking idiot
@ 11:41 pm on 19 March 2008
Listening: Faith No More- We Care A Lot
I love this song. I miss the band, I wonder where Mike Patton is these days. Heh, totally random about FNM but I wonder nonetheless.
Things over on this end havent been the best. I realize a lot of things in our relationship will never change and a lot of those things (unfortunetly) that I hate so much will always be the same. I often find myself wondering, can I really handle all this? Do I really want to handle all this? The more I think about it I realize I dont.
I want to marry Anthony, I love him more than anything but I dont want to have to always pick up after him like hes my 3rd child, I dont want to have to wake him up in half-hour increments for work when he should know he needs to get up, I dont want to have to feel like crap because hes in a bad mood and makes the rest of us feel like crap right along with him, I dont want the kids or myself to be ignored by him because he would rather be online playing video games with friends from work when he could be spending it with us.....
The more my mind wanders the more I find myself feeling like Rob with his wife and wonder if in 23 yrs will what he has now be what I have to look forward too? And, let me just say if it is, than its not so great. *sigh*
I try to talk to Anthony and tell him how I feel but it goes in one ear and out the other. I suggested couples counseling cause I thought it may help us but he thinks were fine. Everything is always fine to him when its anything but that. I threaten, I yell, I vent, I expect change and it never happens.
I wait up for him at night when he comes home from work not because I have to but because I want to; want to be able to talk to him about our day and just spend some time with him but that doesnt happen either. When he comes home he gives himself a time limit of 30 mins so he can eat, smoke, use the restroom and get online to play than I dont see him until the following day where he usually gets up with enough time to get ready for work and be out the door.
My excitement and enthusiasm for the wedding has vanished. I dont even care about it. I even have removed my engagement ring. Simply because I dont feel like theres a point in wearing it anymore. It sucks feeling this way and sucks even more that he makes me feel like this. Like Im not important enough but than I have to ask myself why do I stay? Maybe Im the fucking idiot......
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