pinch me, i cant believe how incredibly lucky i am to have this guy!
@ 5:45 pm on 28 January 2005
Listening: Wumpscut- Thorns (Distant Vocal Version)
This entry will cover Tuesday's night and Wednesday's early morning events. (the 25th and 26th).
I was still in my depressed/drunken stupor. The boy and I watched TV. Around 4am we decided to goto bed. Once in bed, I mentioned to him how I didnt understand that he would rather look at porn online & masturbate than have sex with me. I told him I didnt understand that and wanted an explanation.
After abit of thought he said, "I told you because I dont want you getting pregnant, we dont need any kids right now" and I told him that was a bullshit excuse because he'll ask me all the time "what if I was pregnant", so I know it doesnt bother him that much... and I said to him if me becoming pregnant is such an issue and holds us back from having sex as often as Id like than why not use the condoms we have? All he said to that was "we wouldnt use them". I tried asking him something else but he did the usual turning over on his side, pushing me away.
I laid in bed beside him for about 20 minutes holding back tears, contemplating what I should do next: move out when our lease is up, leave immediately, work things out, etc. So many thoughts and what hurt the most in all my thinkings was the fact that he didnt want to have sex with me. True, true he didnt come out and say it but no other reasons were given and he wouldnt talk to me. I knew it must be so that I was disgusting in his eyes.... so I made the announcement that I would start sleeping downstairs on the couch and he said, "Why?". I lay there in silence. He lay there. Asleep? Maybe. I dont really know.
I couldnt take the thoughts anymore; him being sickened by me and I couldnt bare to glance over at him in bed so I got up, grabbed my alarm clock and went downstairs. I grabbed the pillow and blanket and made my 'home' for the night and the following nights on the couch. : /
I cried and cried... and cried some more. All sorts of thoughts running through my head, like:
*How can I be so repulsive in his eyes?
*How can I be so in love with him and want him in my life forever?
*Does he want his ex-fiancee back?
*Would another woman make him happier than I?
*Could I survive without him by my side?
I must have cried for about 30 mins and he must have heard me. He was looking upstairs for me and than I saw his shadow making its way down the steps. He reached the landing asking me why I wanted to sleep on the couch for and I said, "Because..." while holding back more tears. He gave me this sad look and went into his bathroom, smoking a cigarette. No words were exchanged and all the while I did my best to wipe away the tears from my soaked cheeks...
When he came from the bathroom, he sat on the floor beside me and asked me, "Why do you want to sleep on the couch?"
"Because..."
"Because, why? I dont understand."
Silence.
"Is it something I did? If it is, what did I do? Is it because we dont have sex as often as you'd like? Youve been like this for 2wks.... why do you want to seperate yourself emotionally from me like this? Dont you know it hurts me, too?"
I felt bad, worse than before for making him feel so bad. I hated seeing his face so twisted and torn. The hurt in his eyes and me having no answers to his many questions.
He continued on, "Dont you realize that I would do anything in the world for you, Sarah? Dont you know how much I love you? Your beautiful to me... one of the most beautiful gurls Ive ever been so lucky to know and be with" It made me want to cry allover again. As he was saying this to me he was caressing the side of my face.
"I wanted you here because I love you, there is no other reason. Ive stopped playing games because I know your more important. I love you, Sarah. You love me, dont you?"
Without hesitation, I said, "Yes".
"Than why cant you talk to me? Your my bestfriend and Im yours. I want you to tell me".
I told him that I want to be open and tell him everything but Im scared. Scared of what he'll think, scared of what he'll say. He wanted to know what else bothered me about him and I told him the sex and the reference to me being called a 'roommate'. He said he didnt do that anymore but that the only reason he had done it was because he didnt feel work needed to know his personal business. But that I could ask anyone up there and they would know my title was 'gf' and that I should pay no attention to Angie because he rarely spoke to her.
I did find out the true reason as to why sex doesnt happen as much as Id like...so were gonna work on that. And it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Im so grateful for that.
All in all, we brought everything out in the open and discussed it. It felt good to get it all out and resolved. He told me to be open with him, share cause he wants to know, touch him cause he needs it just as much as I do (I think I can handle that!)
It was close to 6a by than and we were both yawning but he refused to let me sleep on the couch telling me I belonged in our bed with him. Heh, he told me he couldnt sleep without me close by his side (since we usually snuggle up).
And you know how arguments always lead up to awesome sex, right? Right.
Butterfly kisses down the length of my face, to my lips, inbetween kissing telling me how much he loved me (and Ive never doubted that...ever), my hands finding their way to the prize, pulling him in closer to me, working our way upstairs to the bedroom, tearing off our clothes and giving him the awesomest blow job. EVER. Heh. I was doing things to him he had never had done before. He would actually 'jump' and get shivers. Yeah, gurls got skills and than some. You know. ; )
I finished off my duties like a good gurl and decided I really needed to goto bed since it was approaching 7a, but he refused until I was taken care of. He slid into me. And god did he feel SO DAMN GOOD!
My fingernails digging into his ass, sides and back. Holding his arms as he ferociously thrusted into me. Kissing wildly; like we had never tasted each others lips before. Sounds coming from us that were pure animalistic. Fuckin' A, it was great!
Thinking about it makes me horny.. so no detailed description going on for now, heh. We collapsed, kissing, me running my fingers through his sweat soaked hair, my head (finally!) resting on my chest property, arms draped around one another, drifting off to sleep.....
Since than (and I know its only been acpl days) but they have been wonderfully awesome. Ive opened up and shared with him. Were snuggling more. I get to lay on him. I touch him-- and Im not scared or hesitant. Mmmkay, maybe acpl times I have been but Im re-adjusting. Everything is just so much better. Hes even cleaning up more. :)
I know things have been hard and have sucked now and again for us... but I know I love him with all my heart. And I know one day, he'll make the perfect husband for me and the perfect father for our babies. ♥
I love you, Anthony.
xxx
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