confusion once again....
@ 9:52 pm on 20 January 2005
Listening: Fear Factory- Bite The Hand That Bleeds
On the 18th my dog, Junior had to be put to sleep. I knew this had to happen but that doesnt make me 'ok' with his death... or my loss. That dog was my life. For a long time when no one else was around I confided in him, he truly was a bestfriend.
So, when I found out lates that night that they (Rog and my aunt, Judy) decided to let the vet "humanely dispose" of his body, I became enraged. Im sorry but there is no "humane" way to dispose of animals after theyve left your arms and are at the vets' mercy. While Id like to believe that most veternarians have good intentions; it is a business and there are rules and they arent exempt from following them. So, my dog was "humanely" disposed of in a big, cold, metal trash bin along with several other dead animals.... only to be picked up and incinerated. Its total bullshit! for lack of a better word. And, Im disgusted that they made that choice instead of bringing him home where he belongs.
Its funny how my aunt and Rog dont really see anything wrong with this... it seems like once I left NE they just quit caring about him. I wish I couldve brought him here to KY with me but I couldnt. They promised they would take good care of him. I dont know about anyone else but thats not my idea of taking good care of him. :(
Anthony and I took Mokah out for a walk lastnight at 1am while playing with our remote controlled cars and came across 2 pit bulls. The one was a beautiful male brindle and Junior immediately came to mind. Turns out this male pit is also the same age as Junior, two years. The other pit was a pale yellow named Abby. I feel bad for these 2 pits for the simple fact that their owner is a moron.
They displayed signs of dominance over one another and would growl, wanting to fight and Dennis (the owner) chalked it up to them 'playing'. Whatever.
I hate to see these dogs' fate. It wont be pretty. It saddens me. I dont know, overall he seemed decent and to really love the breed but he really needs to be responsible and educate himself. He also reeked of alcohol. He wanted to 'walk' us home but we were like no way is he gonna know where we live....
I talked to Ratna lastnight. We became good friends when she was dating Rog. Lastnight, she shared pictures of a funeral/burial with me. Its amazing to see how varying cultures deal with everyday life from what were used or accustomed too. I love talking to Ratna, she is a real eye opener and I love learning.
She (hopefully) didnt mind all the questions I asked but I wanted a better understanding of what goes on. Like, in western culture burials include embalming, viewing, caskets... in Indonesia none of that happens except for the viewing; in most cultures they dont believe or agree with embalming.
I will have to go in more detail about it at a later time but it is fascinating!
Thank you, Ratna for sharing with me. I truly do appreciate it. :)
Lastly, Ive been doing some serious soul-searching as well as trying to make sense of some things going on in my life right now. I go back and forth with as happy as I am right now, is this what I want? I dont mean leaving Anthony-- the thought alone brings tears to my eyes-- but what am I destined to do? Why am I here? Why am I in KY? Am I truly happy? I think I am but is there more out there for me? Is this just another stepping stone or am I destined to be with him? So many damned questions and no real answers and why? Because these questions are impossible to answer. I really am happy and I do believe Anthony is my soulmate... the one Im destined to be with but as happy as I am, Im equally just as sad.
There are things that I really must confront the boy about and it scares me. It scares me because its unknown.
There have been several instances where Ive been referred to as a roommate, yet to the majority of his friends/family Im known as his girlfriend. That alone confuses me. It has stopped but there was the situation from last week with his cousin, Angie (whom I told him I dont care for...)
For awhile there was the whole sleeping with seperate blankets, equally as disturbing to me-- but that stopped and we sleep with one blanket and usually snuggle close to one another.
There have been times Ive gone to bed and have wanted nothing more than to have him come to bed with me so I could lay on his chest. Or have him hold me as I drift off to sleep. Were working on that... but it is one thing that truly bothers me. I want to be held, I want to feel safe in his arms but how? How do I make him see that I need/want that? Grrr.
Sex. Although Im getting it, it could be more. Ive got a pretty high sex drive and well it just doesnt happen nearly as much as Id like... or as he'd like (at least I would hope he'd want it as much as me). Sometimes when I just want to hold him at night and my hand gets close to his "area" he brushes my hand away like Im going to attack him and rape him. Hmpf. Its not like Im gonna rape him but hey, if I did why should he mind? Gah.
He mentions his ex-fiancee, Bridgette quite abit too. For awhile I seriously considered telling him to go find her and see if theyve still got something but she ended it with him, so I dont see that happening. At times I think he mentions her to get back at me for mentioning Rog but I dont do it intentionally-- hes my daughters father... I dont have a choice. I told him I was sick of hearing about her and sick of being compared to her or what they used to do as a couple. He hasnt mentioned her since... but thats only been acpl days ago. We'll see what happens.
Alot of times I think the lack of sex is something on my part. Like Im at fault. I often wonder why hes with me when he could have anyone he wanted. I often see myself as disgusting, sickly, repulsive and can only imagine he sees the same in his eyes. Hell, who would want to have sex with someone that feels those words about themselves? Im nothing like Bridgette, never will be. Never want to be. Ive even wondered if when we have had sex if hes thinking its her instead of me. I hate these thoughts. I hate feeling so depressed, worthless and "small" in his eyes-- which is where the equally sad part I mentioned above comes in. Could be he doesnt think any of that about me and Im just waaaaaaaaaaaaaay the fuck out there as usual but him pushing me away in subtle ways doesnt help me gain the confidence in our relationship that I so desperately need. *sigh*
<< || >>