still updating Happy October! Lastnight was prolly by far one of me and the boys worst nights. I say that because there was intense awkwardness, it was my doings, naturally. He came upstairs into our room asking me about it, saying theres no way he could afford this place on his own, etc etc, how he would be going to school at EKU and look for work around here-- I already knew all of this. I told him right now I wasnt making any decisions because really I have no idea what it is I'll end up doing lates down the road.... I just know that despite our rough times we have that I hope it always works between us. Our convo kept going back and forth, no one screaming or yelling. Calm, real calm, actually. Just listening to one another and silence. Lots of silence, lots of awkward moments. I felt at times like I was telling him that by me moving 'we' were over and by his body movements I could tell he was thinking that too. I felt like crying, he didnt say anything just sat at the end of the bed with his blanket wrapped around him running his fingers through his hair in a "oh man" or "oh shit whats happening?" kind of way. It royally sucked ass. There was so much tension and things left unsaid because really what couldve been said? Hell I didnt even know at this point. Shit scared us both esp when things like, "I'll have to find a roommate to help with this place...", "I can keep Mokah for you and you can come back on the weekends..", "I'll support any decision you make just know that I'll always love you..." It broke my heart to hear all of that and Im sure it broke his to be saying it. Yeah, it sucked. For the rest of the night/early morning we sat on the couch watching Beavis & Butt-Head reruns on MTV2, me thinking about shit entirely too much and Id imagine him doing the same. We didnt speak much about it after that, mainly because I couldnt deal with the thoughts of someone else being here in our place and the thought of losing him was just way too much. : / After awhile, he disappeared to take a shower and I headed off to the bedroom cause it was close to 5a and decided I might as well sleep. I couldnt sleep, so I sat there in the dark for prolly a good 30-40 mins, than he came up. We talked for alittle bit. I was hoping he would lay down with me and goto sleep vs. getting online playing a game.. or whatever. He stood close to me telling me he loved me and ran his fingers through my hair. |