a fucking long rant about HIM!
@ 9:23 am on 17 September 2004
The other night, Felty and his wife, Sarah came over. Felty and Anth were upstairs doing the whole music thing. You know... finishing up on a song theyve been working on, Felty was here to lay the vocals down. Hes got a real good voice.
Anth had warned me about his wife, Sarah. Made her out to be so evil.. or something. But, she was really nice and I found myself able to relate with her on some very touchy subjects. Anth has told me (for as long as I can remember) how he tried to break them up when they were still in the bf/gf stages of their relationship, his reasons were of course pretty shitty and selfish-- if you ask me but ya didnt.
Im making all sorts of discoveries about Anth as time goes on and I think I can honestly say, theres alot that aggravates the HELL out of me. I think for the most part he means well but sometimes shit just doesnt come out or happen that way.
Yesterday, he was saying some shit about the similiarities between hurricanes and tornados. Uh, whats similar? Not a damn thing except they both cause destruction.
I mean, hello, I do afterall come from Nebraska. I do believe our whole area is lovingly known as, 'Tornado Alley' so how the fuck is it that he thinks he knows more about them than me? I would be the fucker outside on the porch waiting to greet that sonofabitch. And just because KY gets a tornado when it feels like throwing a curve to the South doesnt mean shit to me.
So, anyway I confronted him on it and hes all like, "blah!" the only words he can so intelligently think to say when Ive proven a point and he knows he not right. Ive heard 'blah' so many times. Not to say Im always right but for the most part, I am. ;)
He declared I was trying to start a fight with him yesterday and... who knows, maybe I was. Lets face it, it wouldve been some form of excitement for me. I cant be all that evil cause the past weekend was a good one as the 'ol entry said BUT this morning I feel so, so differently.
I woke up around 8a to a very weird, strange sound turns out it was the fish tanks filtering sys. It didnt have water running through it because the power had gone out due to the extremely high winds and rain were getting from Hurricane Ivan. The boy rolls over and wakes up and when I ask what the noise is, he closes his eyes real quick. I guess he thought he was gonna be slick. I was like, hey, thats the filter, get up and fix it.
I seriously said that because I dont know shit about fish, a tank esp. not a filter cause my thing is exotics/reptiles... I do however know that the filter with no water running through it is a dead filter which is why I nudged the boy again. Finally, instead of him getting up and taking care of it he tells me what to do and rolls back over. I lay there prolly with the biggest, stupidest look on my face and say, WHY? Why do I have to do it? Your the one who wanted the fish. I could give a shitless if they can breath or not and while were at it I could give a shitless if they die....
More than anything I was furious. How fucking lazy can he be?
I asked him why I had to be the one to get out of bed and do this considering we went to bed at the same time. Why does he have more priviliges than I? Why is his sleep more important than my own? Its not but apparently to him it is and its pissing me off so much.
I went downstairs and came back up with a cup to throw water back into the filter. I glanced over at him all snuggled up in the bed and seriously I wouldve loved nothing more than to take that fucking glass cup and split his fucking head open with it. But I didnt. Instead I decided I wasnt gonna lay down next to that fucker and got up for the day. For the day. At fucking 8am after going to bed at 4a, a total of 4 fucking hours of wonderous sleep while that bastard is still in their sleeping. God forbid he have to wake up and actually do something. Im the one who works 12 hr shifts, Im the one paying all the bills..... Yeah. Dont fucking remind me. I know. I get told constantly.
So. I head off to the bathroom --- which I feel is becoming my only safe haven around here when hes home and cry. I dont think Ive cried so much except for the time I thought I was gonna lose Anth. Now Im crying because of him. Hows that for irony? Gah.
I really am at my breaking point with everything. I realize I dont have a job right now, I realize Im not paying any of the bills but how does that equal me being a maid? Why am I the one who constantly has to pick up after myself, the dog and him? Why does he make a mess and not put forth an ounce of effort to clean up what hes made? Instead its left for me. Shit. I do it all.
I clean up several times a day esp. in the kitchen where he makes the most mess, I do the laundry, I feed the stupid fish (just you watch and see, I'll prolly be the bastard cleaning that shit too), I feed the dog, I wake him up for work (sometimes), I fix shit around the house (the door handles, the toliet, the AC unit, under the kitchen sink), I take out the trash, I replace the trash bags, I do this and that and .... I CANT FUCKING TAKE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!
Im gonna start school next week, I dont have the time or energy to do all the driving (1.5 hrs each way to school), attend, be alert, do homework and than come home and deal with all the above. I dont give a shit if your the one working 12 hrs or not, as far as Im concerned your not pulling your weight around here. And when I do start school I refuse to do all of this bullshit. I dont care if the house falls down around us. Kiss my ass.
I at times, dont really know if this relationship is worth saving for above mentioned reasons. I cant imagine his ex's putting up with all this. Maybe they did for awhile and got sick of it. I wish I did know the real circumstances behind the breakups. I wish I could find these gurls and ask them their side of things. I doubt its as cut dry as he made it out to seem. Im beginning to think these exs were smart chics and Im the dumbass for hanging around. I do recall the entire time (before I was here) him saying a relationship is 50/50. Well, where the fuck is his 50 at? I have yet to see it. Maybe some of you would say his 50 is him providing the rent and the util. bills but in my opinion its not cause Ive offered several times to pay my fair share.
Lastnight, he did the whole online game thing-- not Final Fantasy (they were updating) but Diablo. I really couldve cared less where he was at that moment. He thought we should watch a movie together and what does he pick out? Something he wants to watch from his DVD collection. I was like before you put it in tell me what it is... I just dont wanna watch shit cause he picks it out and he thinks its good. Its not even fair. Why dont I even get a say in what we watch? Its my damn DVD player.
He critizes so much whether he realizes it or not is another story. I find myself feeling like Im back home with mom walking on eggshells to make him happy yet at the same time I could careless if I do or not because the happiness shouldnt be one-sided like it is. Why do I have to make him happy if hes not making me happy in return? Ive never been so frusterated and resentful. Yeah, I said. Resentful.
HA! I keep wondering what would happen down the road at somepoint if he asked me to marry him. I seriously dont think he'd ever ask me that so I really have no worries but if he did I always wonder would I say yes... or no?
I would want to say yes because despite all my bitchings above I do love him but I can see myself giving a firm NO and handing him a list of things that suck (like the above). I mean really who the hell would say 'yes' if the above is what they have to look forward too?
As yall can tell this morning with the fish filter really was my breaking point, my last straw... my last anything. I just dont have the will to fight anymore. I just dont know how worth it, it really is. And not knowing makes me sad. Cause I thought this was a sure thing. I shouldve known otherwise....
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