i dont ever want to...
@ 2:00 am on 29 May 2004
Listening: Smile Empty Soul- Silhouettes
I don't wanna live like my mother
I don't wanna let fear rule my life
And I don't wanna live like my father
I don't wanna give up before I die
Man, if those lyrics in this song arent right on than I dont know what is. Let me explain.....
My parents are still continuing their saga of 'Dont let Sarah leave NE'. Earlier today we battled back & forth- nothing big but real annoying. When I told them how much this move is costing me they nearly freaked out. I dont know why their so concerned it isnt like its their money. They would never be nice enough to do that for me anyway.
They wanted me to check into other cheaper methods to get my belongings down there but in the end all these places have their pros/cons and for all that the prices dont fluctuate much at all. Than, they decided to check back into the whole U-Haul thing and they were set on that and I was like, ARE YOU SURE? Cause I didnt want to cancel the one already lined up and than last minute them back out and Im screwed for a moving company. They pull that shit on me all the time so dont think I was falling for it this time around.
So, its decided they would help out and just as I question whether or not to cancel the main mover... guess what happens? Yup. They back out. Grrr!
They definetly dont want me leaving and it seems like they'll stop at nothing to make this not happen for me but its not gonna work. My dad, once again told me I should 'stay put' and could goto a school much closer than the intended one... I think their missing the whole point or... they just dont care.
I told dad I need this so much. I wish he could see that. I wish they both could see that I know what Im doing and even if I do screw up and this doesnt work than so what. Ive had another learning experience. I dont want to sit around and wonder 'what if'.
Sometimes, it seems like the only way I can live my life is through others or through this damn computer. Sometimes I feel like nothing more than a puppet for my folks.. they control my every move it seems.
My folks think Im making a big mistake and of course are out to prove me wrong. I dont know what will come of all this between Anthony and myself but I know Id kick myself if I didnt at least find out, ya know?
I dont regret anything in my life but if I passed him up, this chance at really truly being happy and free I would regret it forever. I know this.
My parents dont have the answers, at least not the ones I need to know. I need to find these things out for myself. How am I ever supposed to do that if Im always being pushed back down? Scared to live life... thats not how I want to be, ever. Yet at the same time I already feel that way. Maybe living in NE and having average good paying jobs were good enough for my folks but its not for me.
NE along with my folks are holding me back from a life I shouldve been leading a long time ago...... and I'll be damned if anyone fucks up my chance that Ive been given.
After explaining to them my plans, they just let it go. I dont know if it was out of sheer exhaustion from going around in circles with them over the move or theyre just realizing no matter what they say Im leaving. Nothing is making me stay. We spoke of my plans for Summer too.
Basically, she'll be coming down when I go down there and than in July (if I could) Id like to have her down there with us... from there? Im not sure. Do I move her up than if she likes it? Send her back to NE for school for awhile? Not too sure. My parents are fine with her visiting but they arent too thrilled about me wanting to move her there... sheesh. Thats not gonna fly with me either.
I did spend the entire day moving my shit. Im so tired and sore. Gah! A persons meal of the day shouldnt be their dinner @ 10p. It sucks. I think thats why my tummy hurts too. :/
Heh, Im such the dork though... when I had my dads truck moving my stuff I was harassing ppl in their cars. Bad me, I know but its so0o0o fun! :P
Cause my dad has these big 'ol tires on his truck and a lift to boot~ so shits up in the air ~ which makes fun times to spy on the lil people below you. Heh.
Some cars were going so slow, it looked like my dads truck could devour these puny cars.. (this is where stupid comes in) I started saying stuff like, TROGDOR* WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! And doing a very weird crazy voice to match my chomping of slow puny vehicles... I had fun anyway. Yeah, like I said Im EASILY amused. :)
*Oh yes, Trogdor is from Homestar Runner, compliments of the boy from a long while back... Trogdor rules! I was telling dad about me & his trogdor truck stomping people and about that site maybe he'll check it out.
Well, shit on it. I guess Im gonna go get some sleep. Sum takes off with my aunt and grandpa to KS for his HS reunion. I wanna be up to see them off. Night kiddies. Have a good weekend. xox
<< || >>