time for..... Yesterday was a pretty good day. But today has turned out to be very different. Its days like today that Id rather not deal with because Im not strong. Im so confused about many things and I have no answers for all the questions my mind produces. The more I begin to think of a solution to just ONE issue several more pop up and bog my mind down.
I really am confused about the boyfriend situation.... All in all, it is like I have no boyfriend. I havent heard from him in a month now and I wonder to myself how can I even consider this a relationship? What person truely would allow this? (besides me, of course). I know deep down he would never intentionally hurt me but he doesnt realize he has. Im hurting because I havent heard from him. I want to care but I find myself thinking who cares. He isnt here. Why should you care? But I do. I still care and to say that I dont would be lying. I wonder how long I should idly wait by. My life continues but with each passing day I can feel myself change. A change that JuJu may not understand. Even with all of this he doesnt know how I feel. Hes in the dark. I owe him that much- for him to know. Just because he does this to me doesnt mean I should just brush him off as if he never existed when I know damn well he was a reality and a part of me for so long. Yeah, I owe him that. And when its all said... I still have no idea where I see this relationship in the greater scheme of things. And my other dilemma:
I care very much for my friend, Tony. Lately, I havent even thought of him "as a friend". I see him as alot more. Try as I might to be good and act decent (which I do for the most part) has been hard. There are so many things I want to tell him, yet I dont.
There lies the problem. Im still 'technically' attatched. No matter how you choose to look at it. I have a boyfriend. I dont want to be with Tony and have him thinking he was only a replacement because JuJu isnt here. Because Tony isnt. Hes much more than that to me. (Need to stop thinking about this for now). On another note, tonight I deleted some of my webpages I created yesterday. Ive decided due to my fucked up mind and how Im thinking I dont need all of that. Its no longer as important as I once thought it was.
I also deleted myself from Omaha Singles. It was fun while it lasted and I will miss some of the guys I would regularly chat with.
I cant be reached on my cell anymore. I truely am thinking AT&T disconnecting me may have been a blessing. I cant handle all of this anymore and I at least cant be reached while traveling around. I wont be online or updating this. This may be for afew days or it could be longer.
Have a good night... and God Bless. |