it all falls down : (
@ 10:22 pm on 04 March 2005
Alrighty, kids. Ive repeated this argument/fight with I have no idea how many people now. I might as well share with yall too.
Yesterday I got home from school early. So I drove a total of 4 hrs for a 45 min. class and I had a KILLER headache-- so I was already a bit pissy.
I got home at 1:30p as Anthony was getting ready to leave for work. I had called him at 10:30a before I was going in for class reminding him to pay the rent as it was due.
So, I walk upstairs to the room and he asks me what day it is. I reply the 3rd. Already I feel like Im being baited about the rent thing. He says, oh shit, rent is due today and I dont have time to pay it. He wants me to do it again.
I tell him Im not gonna pay it and he says he cant because he has to pick BO up for work plus get antifreeze. We go around and around about this finally him telling me that he cant believe I wont go pay it. I respond with a why do I always have to pay the shit? And what pissed me off even more was I just drove 4 fucking hours with a badass headache now I have to get back in my car and drive 30 mins north to pay rent and another 30 mins back south to be home when hes going to get off on that very exit and be one street away from the landlady??? I mean, seriously. WTF???
I yell, fuck it. I'll go pay it than but I think its bullshit. He makes the check out and sits it on his desk. Tries to come up and tell me he loves me. Bullshit. Im furious.
I am so pissed that Im shaking and contemplating walking out on this relationship that very moment. I tell him, while rapidly flipping through my sociology book that shit has got to change or Im leaving. I told him I would *love* to trade places with him for a week. I'll go to work, come home, play guitar, eat, watch TV, get online, play games and go to sleep and he can drive 4 hrs for school, take notes, be coherent when your tired beyond belief, come home and do your homework while making something to eat and do the cleaning, dishes, laundry, feeding the dog, picking up after the dog, feeding the fish, turning the lights on/off for the frogs & fish, check the mail and go pay the bills. Fucker doesnt realize how fucking easy hes got it. After all that he didnt say shit to me except that he would do more and than he left for work. Thats when I broke down in tears and wondered how we would be when he got home from work that night.
Lastnight when he got home it was a bit weird but than all was fine and we talked about things. All was well and I was happy. We even had awesome sex that went on for so long...
This afternoon however was way different. Somehow we got to talking about moving and he told me he didnt want to move, that he likes it where he is. Yeah, he likes it alright because its convienant for him for work and eventually school. I think thats bullshit. What about me? Hell he isnt even trying to get into college right now.
He said that theres no way we would find a place up north that would be as nice and cheap as this and who would take Mokah--- yet we havent even looked-- he avoids it at all costs. So, I tell him (as Im on the verge of crying once again) that theres no way I can continue driving 2 hrs each way to school and home when classes start at 8a daily plus try to do homework and do shit around here. Than he mentions the 1000. I loaned him for his car. That money was initially for us to move, its technically mine. So, he says when he gets his income tax refund back (that money was to be thrown into our moving fund that I used to let him get the car) that hes gonna get a stack for his guitar. Its like, excuse me? Thats my loot.
That wasnt even the icing on the cake. He so does not wanna move that he told me I should see if I can live at the dorms at school. We dont have dorms, there is no school housing. I cant even believe he suggested that. Saying I could come home on the weekends. WTF is that??
I tell him thats a stupid idea and hes like why. Gah, do I really have to explain? Fuuuuck.
Than hes like well I dont want to move from here. And I was like, well I guess Im gonna have to find something in Cincinnati for me than. THAN he says that he cant afford this place on his own and that he'll just move back home with his parents and save money if I do that. Im like what about your routine, you being used to being here? Well Ive done that from Morehead for 3-4 yrs is his reply. Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Is this his polite way of ending things between us? Am I reacting too much? I dont understand at all.
Just lastnight when we were making love, hes all like I really hope your pregnant. Im so ready to be a dad, start a life with you. Than I got tossed all this shit in the morning? *sigh*
Im really gonna snap. So, he doesnt say anything more and disappears off to work. Now, I dunno what his reaction will be when he comes home tonight but I know one thing we need to sit down and see whats going on.
Hell, this doesnt even count what he did to me on Tuesday night. We were talking about his family and him, how they all interact. Of course, Im an outsider and I observe things. I made mention of one of my observations to which he got upset. Mind you, it was nothing bad AT ALL. Next thing I know hes explaining things to me and than stops and says, I shouldnt be talking to you about this. WTF is that? I was like, oh yeah? And who should you be talking to this about than?
And than he says, your not family.
Wow. Talk about a blow. Granted, I know Im not family. Like the blood related kind but hes always told me his family is my family and they all have been so awesome accepting me as their own. His mom and I are extremely close and spend time in person and on the phone all the time. The other night when Anthony was talking to her, he handed me the phone saying, my Kentucky mom wanted to talk with me. We both laughed... now I feel like Im intruding. Im already pulling myself away from his mom... she called me the other day and I didnt answer it....
It hurts so much being attached to a family who is awesome. A family who has treated me like their own. A family that I always wished I could be a part of.. but apparently he has changed his mind. And so must I. I cant afford to get hurt. Not again. I was close with my 1st Anthony's mom and when we broke up, it was hard as hell on me to detach.
And Im going home to NE next week for about 5 days because he wanted to come with me but would have to take some vacation time-- to which he bitched about that too. Yet he doesnt want me to go back by myself. I really dont know what the hell is going on. I dont think Ive ever been so confused, stressed and hurt. Maybe I should just go home by myself for a couple weeks.
Worse yet, is if we do call it quits-- which is all I can think hes trying to do is move back home to NE and forfeit school cause I cant afford a place on my own in Cincinnati. Damn. Why am I always so fucking close to getting what Ive always dreamed and hoped for, only to have it fucking blow up in my face???
I think if I end up not being pregnant it would be a good idea for me to get on some form of birth control and put this "us having a baby" thing behind me until I know for sure where we stand, funny, I thought I did know. It hurts.
**I think Im gonna start working on a new layout for this diary. Im becoming burnt out on this one.**
<< || >>