stick it up your tight, puckered ass, cupid!
@ 10:44 pm on 15 February 2005
I hope everyone had a good V-day, mine was un-eventful. So, disappointing that I dont even want to talk about it. :/
Alright, maybe alittle talking about it to get it off my chest. The boy deposited most his check into his account and saved a good portion out. Saturday rolls around and he takes the monies intended for my V-day gift and blows it on a whole new aquarium setup. Than, after *all* of that he only has 7$ to his name, which he spends on Sunday to buy him some lunch.
He had to work on V-day so before I left for school I left what I had got for him on the computer desk so he would get it... and he did. Anyways, when he got home from work. I had nothing except an 'explanation' as to why I got nothing. The fact that I recieved nothing isnt really the point. The point is, is that it was like I wasnt even considered. Even when he was home his idea of spending V-day (what was left of it) was to get online and play his game. Fuckin' A.
Its things like this that make me wonder why Im even here. Why I continually make an effort? He reminds me (in many ways) of my mom. It scares me. It really does. Even this morning it was somehow my responsibility to pay the bills with his checks and make sure the bills got to their designated places. Why? Why is it my responsibility? When I told him he could do it, he got abit pissy and said, "Fine. I just wont do it."
"Neither will I", I replied
"Than you wont have water to shower"
"Well, you wont have electricity to get on your computer to play that stupid game and you'll have to have a flashlight to see your way around...."
Than he screams, "FUCK! ALRIGHT!! I'LL DO IT!!" as he climbs over me and out of bed storming out of the bedroom. It made me get teary-eyed and automatically wish I was far, far away from here. The feelings I feel when he does that is exactly what I recall experiencing with my mom... and that- how it always made me feel so small and worthless- scares the hell out of me.
Sunday, his friend, Felty and his wife, Sarah came out and we all spent the day together. It actually was alot of fun but in ways it bothered me since some of the places we went I had been trying to get him to go with me and he wouldnt. I notice shit like this. Supposedly, this weekend is when were gonna celebrate V-day but really Im not holding my breath. Im starting to become accustomed to his selfish ways (I know, I know....) so I wont waste my time getting my hopes up.
Im super bummed, too. My folks told me my daughter had her choice of spending her birthday there in NE having a party with her friends OR coming to KY and spending it with Anthony and I. She chose coming to KY. Well, now my folks dont know if they want to do that. That equals them not wanting to drive down here. Instead they want me to come up. I dont want to because Im absolutely 200% burnt out on interstate traveling. I drove down here when I moved. Ive been back to NE at least 3-4 times, drove down to LA and TX and back home here PLUS drive to Cincinnati daily for school. I have three weeks off from having to drive on the interstate, Id like to keep it that way.
Anyways, I suggested flying Summer down here for a week during my break (I assumed her break was during this time as well, I was wrong). So, if I do that she'll miss a week of school and my mom isnt cool with that. So, it means either I drive down there to NE or I dont see my daughter until who knows when...
Can things get any worse? It really brings me down. Im not even that psyched about school anymore. Im beginning to look at it as a hassle, an inconvience to my life. In reality, I look at it like everything else in my life sucks so why shouldnt school too. Mmmm, dontcha love having absolutely shit for your self-esteem? Worse yet, I spent a large portion of the day today contemplating cutting myself to ease the pain Im feeling.
I used to 'cut' myself all the time back in the day. I doubt it would help me. Im torn. Even thoughts of leaving the boy continously cross my mind... eh, too much fucking thinking!
Anyways, I should end this sob story of an entry and go do something productive, like... shave my legs, cause I hate the feeling of lil stubbly stuff. Yuck, yuck, yuck!
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