im going to crack from the pressure
@ 5:01 pm on 02 December 2004
Oh yes, your getting an update cause Ive got time on my hands, dammit and cause Im a slacker when I should *really* be working on papers. Anyways.
I was in a bad mood lastnight cause of the whole 'Anth letting the asses use our water' thing and when he called me on his way home from work I did complain and I told him I was totally washing my hands of the situation and that he could now deal with it. All he said was "ok".
Than he had his evalution at work and it of course covered now and 6 months ago when he held a lead position. Instead of his job giving a .75 raise they gave him only .50 since he walked out on his shift as a lead. So, he doesnt understand why they did that when he wasnt a lead now. Try as I might to explain it, it didnt sink in and hes all pissed wanting to quit which throws another pressure onto me of what the hell will we do if he throws his 2 wks notice in? Dear LORD.
I wasnt exactly being supportive and sympathetic and he called me out on it, saying sarcastically, "thanks for being so supportive" and I snapped. I was like, "you know what? Ive got my own shit to deal with. Im fucked up in the head and I dunno why and Im sorry I cant be the supportive gf you need at this given moment in time."
Than he asked me what was wrong and really I couldnt answer him 100%. Not cause I didnt want too but because I dont know/understand myself.
I told him Im fucked up in the head and need help that I prolly need to admit myself to the looney bin... or something. I feel like Im going to have a nervous breakdown.
I will sometimes disapper from our bedroom early in the morning and go downstairs to sleep on the couch. He always asks why and tells me to stay in bed with him but I dont. Instead I make up some lame excuse and disappear with my pillow down the steps. I sit there on the couch thinking that I'll find something downstairs to sidetrack my thoughts-- concious and subconcious, but it doesnt work; than I find myself uncontrollably crying until Ive cried myself to sleep. : /
I never told Anth that until lastnight and he wonders whats wrong that makes me do that and I cant give an answer because even I dont know. And it sucks. Than he asked if it was him. No, its not.
He asked if it was a lack of communication. No, we do that just fine now.
He asked if he thought Id lose him and he reassured me he wasnt going anywhere. No, that wasnt my concern because I know he loves me and wouldnt stray from my side.
He asked if me not contributing money-wise to our cause was the problem. In part? Yes. I hate knowing I cant contribute and that it all lies on his shoulders...thats not cool at all. I cant even recall how many times Ive wrote in here that I hate it but thats only a small part.
I told him that even though he works it would be nice to have alittle help around the house meaning doing some chores. I will do the most because Im not working but damn help me out alil cause its making me feel like a maid instead of gf and thats not cool either. And when I do clean hes like a tornado... in 5-10 mins time hes destroyed all Ive cleaned and like I told him why clean so hard and bust your ass when its ruined within minutes? It doesnt make sense to me. He said he would help out more and admitted his laziness when it comes to the house.
Im the one who goes to school full time, drives a total of 4 hrs daily, checks the mail, takes care of the bills, cleans, does homework, does the dishes and laundry and picks up after the dog on a daily basis... see why Im gonna go insane?
And than.... IT was mentioned. Why we dont have sex. He said to me, "I know we dont have sex alot and dont think its you, because its not. I love you" Uh huh. More like rarely have sex and I didnt ask him why I waited for him to tell me. Just as I suspected hes scared shitless that Im gonna get pregnant, we'll miss out on college and be stuck with shit jobs in a shit house. I totally understand where hes coming from because for once in my life I really wanna graduate and have a career and I want him to have the same but why does sex have to cease? Weve got condoms.... nothing is fool-proof though and I guess he figures nothing at all is better than the risk. It sucks... cause I need it. Its not just sex anyway. Its like a way to strengthen our bond and without it at all, ever.... is gonna ruin us, in my opinion. I just wish he could see it from my point of view....
Seriously, nothing in life is guaranteed. Life always comes with risks but that doesnt mean live cautiously and scared.... "if" I got pregnant, so what. It would suck ass, yes but we'd manage and we'd have something great come from it and he should see it like that. Before he was even doing the college thing he didnt care if I got pregnant or not. We werent even using condoms than.... so I mean come on ... dont get all weird on me now. I think its alot of pressure on him. Back to the damn money and struggling which I feel is partially my fault. If I wasnt even here in KY with him, he definetly wouldnt be strapped for cash.... but I cant picture not being by his side, not being here with him... that thought alone scares the hell out of me.
I really wanna continue tonight with him the convo we had the night before to see if we cant find some middle ground on the whole sex thing. Everything else between us for once is in a word, perfect.
I also dont know how much longer we'll have net since I cant pay the bill right now. I think our cutoff date is this saturday (12/4) if it is than I will be back in acouple weeks time and til than I wish you all a very merry Christmas and I hope you get what your heart desires! ♥
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