the hurt, the pain, please make it go away. Im in one of my moods today. That can never be a good thing. I wake up feeling this way, its like something is triggered in my brain when I sleep and than I wake up and have to deal with my own mixed, fucked up emotions. I wish I didnt have any feelings sometimes. We were in our bedroom watching the fish. We'll do that sometimes, just sit and watch the fish. Its like any anxieties, stress.. whatever goes away and the calmness of the fish soothe you. Mmmkay, well it has that affect on me. Out of the blue he says to me, "When our lease is up we should look into getting a house" Silence. Watching the frog swim about, thinking, deciphering his words... "Dont you think?", He says, looking at me, waiting for an answer. The words, "Yeah, that would be nice" finally escape me.
Than he starts mentioning how he for sure wants a place with a basement so he can have all his music gear and game stuff going on. Says the basement would be his area and that I could come down sometimes if I wanted to play pool or sit in on some jamming sessions....
I say, "Hmm, you'll never be around than" and he said, "for what?". *Sigh*
Its not about materialistic things with me, it never has been. I havent bitched about this apt being small or inadequate... except who its ran by. I hate our landlady. I despise her. I havent even implied Id like to have a house even though deep down I would...
You see, when he mentioned us getting a house I took it as, I love you, I know I want to be with you, lets take it to the next level, maybe get married, have a child... Now, Im back to all these thoughts in my head. Being a doubting Thomas. Wondering why Im here. I hate! feeling like this. I know it'll be different lates on today or even tomorrow but its still gonna be in the back of my head. Do I *really* want a house? I dont know. I suppose I feel differently knowing we want a house for two complete different reasons. Mine, of course not even coming into play.
I just wish I could escape from here for alittle while. I wish I hadnt jumped the gun with the whole 'lets move in together' thing. I wish I wouldve got a place in OH and if we were serious we could make time to spend together between our 2 places... So confused. |