i owe it to myself Hmm, Ive realized something. That 'something' being Ive got away from what the whole purpose of this dairy was about. When I started it, it of course was a place for me to vent and throw out every thought, every desire, every want I have in this life of mine... and it was also meant to be a place where I could confess my fears, questions I had no answers too, dreams that may one day be filled..... Ive gotten away from that so much. If I were writing in my paper diary all the above I mentioned would be in there, but not here. Im not sure if I dont stay true here because I know friends and some familia have access to it and I dont want to have to further explain myself or the situation I could find myself in from it but I dont write in the paper one anymore and I feel like Im missing out on alot here. Alot of the emotion I felt. Lastnight, I sat at the table reading the entire content of my Winnie The Pooh diary, which dates back from 2000 and covers up to late 2002. There were so many emotions and turmoil than, so many guys I was interested in and got somewhere with only to have it crash down~ not necessarily a bad thing though cause I wouldnt be where I am today, ya know? Im not the regretting type anyhow.
So, my goal is to hopefully write in here like I would if it were in the paper journal. I understand some of what I say may hurt because Im brutally honest and call it like I see it so keep that in mind and dont hold it against my character, cause at least Im gonna be real. Very real. *take deep breath*
Im being a huge pussy. Ha! Hows that for honesty? Ok, back to the rant. I am though, being a big pussy. I say that because theres something (getting to what it is in just a minute) I need to bring to the boys attention but am half scared of what his response will be to me. The thing is whenever hes speaking to say, the cable co., like a customer srvc rep or an acquaintance at work Im never his girlfriend. Im his roommate. The first time he said this I didnt think anything of it because, well things were really awkward but than.... it happened again and again and again.
He did it this morning too when he was telling me how he was telling a friend at work about pitbulls and she mentioned how maybe she'd like to have one, him telling her, his roommate Sarah knows all about them and could prolly help her find one......I swear I couldve broke down into tears right than and there. Maybe I should have. Sure makes me feel worthless when he tells someone Im just his roommate when I thought Im supposed to be more, ya know?
I mean, really... what man pays the rent, utilities, cable, internet, etc for his roommate? What man shares a bed/bedroom with their roommate when theres a second bedroom? No one. You dont do that shit for a roommate. You'd tell that sorry piece of shit, get it together or get out. Makes me feel like hes embarassed by me or to admit theres more between us to others... its a shitty feeling to have. I dont really realize if he knows he does it since he did share a apt last year with 2 gurls (his cousin and her gf). Those two were roommates. But still thats not an excuse either. Grrr! I know right now Im a burden with him having to pay everything although I did and have told him since I would be more than willing to pay my share of things because I hate feeling like a mooch. I know hes stressed out about him finishing up his GED, getting into college, wanting to leave his current place of employment for another place thats decent to him, his dad... hell maybe hes even stressed about us, I really am clueless. Sometimes I know how to bring it up to him and other times I sit there totally clueless. I wonder if theres more to us than what we have now... like do we have a future together or am I just destined to be his roommate? |