the move to ky Saturday, June 5th: We didnt leave NE until around noon, or maybe it was 1p. I was feeling down. This move I was about to make didnt hit me until those few seconds when the cars were being loaded up and people were bustling around me asking me where I wanted this or that to go. I looked at what had been MY room for so many years and remembered how they looked bare as they had when I first moved in. Of course I also remember how the walls were this weird green and I had gone on a crazy rebellious teen phase where I 'graffittied' my walls and had my many friends leave their mark.... all that changed once again, when I gave birth to my daughter. I ended up painting my room a cute gurlie pink. It was hitting me hard that everything I had my place decorated with was placed in boxes or trash because when you share a place with someone else you have to take into consideration their personal belongings as well as what they may like or not like. Mmm, Im not so good at sharing or compromising. Anyways, we all (all being: Myself, Aunt, Rog, Summer and Sharon) had breakfast and than we headed out. I actually did good controlling my emotions and things, Ive always been the strong one even when I know Im weak with many things. I didnt hug my grandpa goodbye.... Im not really sure why I didnt but I wish I wouldve. : / I suppose its because I wouldve been balling like a big baby and I had to be strong for everyone else around me... I couldnt let them know I was terrified of this move I was about to make, couldnt tell them that as much as I love Anthony it scared the hell out of me to be leaving all I ever knew. This will probably go down as one of the biggest steps in life Ive ever made for myself or for someone else. I know if I didnt feel like I do about Anthony this move wouldve never happened. I gave my dog, Junior a hug and a kiss goodbye. It was than that I broke down and cried silently to myself. I cant explain my love for that crazy dog but I love him like no other and his face and eyes were so expressful, its like he knew but couldnt do anything to stop me. He had spent the last week before the move following me around just like he had when he was a pup. I spent as much time with him as I could. I gave him one last 'handsome man rub' on his tummy and gave him a long hug goodbye, crying and throwing my sunglasses on quick so no one would know. We made a 4hr (out of our way) journey to Cedar Rapids, IA for some good italian food at Zio Johnos. That drive went fairly quick. I suppose when youve made that drive afew times before it doesnt seem like a long way. My aunt and Sharon did manage to get themselves lost there in Cedar Rapids and I had to navigate them back to where they were supposed to be. We ordered our food and took it on the road with us since we had Mokah with us. I didnt trust leaving her inside the car in a so~so area. We took our food on the Interstate and ate at the rest stop a mile from where we had got our food. It was actually pretty nice doing it that way. Made for a picnic of sorts where we could all laugh and joke around. Sharon got this yummy salad that was so huge we all shared it and she got a pizza too. Summer ate a ham & cheese sub (shes not one for pasta too much, must get that from me). Rog had lasagna and I had spaghetti. Mokah had alittle bit of everything. After we walked Mokah around for abit and everyone had a chance to use the restrooms we continued on... that was the part of the trip that seemed to take forever. Since we had gone out of our way for Zio Johnos and than decided to go to St. Louis anyway that equalled a long suck ass drive. Along the way we saw so many dead deer... Rog and I got bored so we started keeping tabs on which were skinned or not. I finally got tired of driving since I was the only one doing the driving in my car, so we stopped for the night in Galesburg. It was a cute town. Old buildings and things. I cant stand to live in a small place but theres nothing that I love more is old buildings from back in the day. It gives me a different kind of feeling. Its a good feeling though. : ) We stayed at a ghetto Super 8. Now that I think about it, I dunno what Super 8 isnt ghetto. They all suck and this one wasnt the exception. We paid for 1 person and 5 of us piled in. Fuck paying all that extra bullshit plus we had my aunt sign up so we got it under the senior citizen discount, heh. Ahhh to be a cheapskate! ; ) Sharon and I went outside of the room when everyone was sleeping and smoked a cig while we were both in our nighties. A car full of guys drove by us.... wonder what they were thinking? Anyway, we all fell asleep pretty quick and had breakfast in the morning. My aunt wanted to leave at like 8 or 9 am and I was all FUCK THAT! Cause Im not a morning person plus we were paid up til 11a... so thats when we left. Took some pics of the buildings there and avoided the pigs (cops) I saw everywhere. We continued on and finally made it to St. Louis. St. Louis was alot of fun especially being along the riverfront and being so close to the Arch. I was last there when I was like 10 or something. Summer was fascinated by it. We were gonna go inside the Arch but it was a 2+ hr wait and we didnt have the time to be doing all that cause I was hoping to make into KY at a decent time. Saw some dudes check me and Sharon out while Rog, Summer and Judy were taking pics. Acouple of the dudes were pretty hot. Yummsies, heh. We left St. Louis during the worst time possible : / A baseball game with the Cardinals had just ended and the ramp to get on was right in front of it and down a block. Grrr! People were pissed and honking. Intersections overflowing with people all wanting to get elsewhere. I loved it. Im sure that sounds crazy but it reminded me of home. And I think right than and there I missed Omaha more than I had before. I cut several people off and it felt damn good. Obviously some folks werent too thrilled with me but if I hadnt I wouldve missed my exit and that wasnt about to happen. My aunt and Sharon managed to get lost amongst the angry people of St. Louis, the Cardinals afterall did lose the game. Sucks to be them. So, I had to try to navigate my aunt and Sharon to where I was. I was waaaaaay ahead of them and had to get off on an exit otherwise I wouldve prolly been in KY and they wouldve still been in MO. I got off on an exit and came across Larry Flynt's Club House. Not too sure exactly what that was but it was a huge building and it was pink. I wouldve gone and checked it out had it been opened. Damn it! My aunt caught up with us though and we continued on our way. It got dark quick and still we had so much road to travel. Sharon and Judy were lucky though because they could get tired and alternate between drivers, I couldnt. All I could do was remain focused and do what I could do to stay awake because I had Sum and Rog and I wasnt about to put their lives at risk at falling asleep at the wheel. We finally got into Indiana and it had tons of road construction. Figures. The roads were abit hard to see. I so wanted to pull over and stay the night somewhere because I was so tired but my aunt was quite adament about not stopping anywhere. She offered to take over driving for me but all I could think about was how she tires behind the wheel easily and would more than likely fall asleep. Needless to say, I declined the offer. When we finally came to a rest stop I took it to get some fresh air, walk around to wake myself up and use the restroom. A trucker saw me with Mokah and started talking to me, he was a pretty friendly guy and definetly liked Mokah. That doesnt surprise me. I saw a coyote alongside the road when we got back driving. I should say it was more like the coyote was lucky to get across because I know we had just missed each other. He was damn cool looking though. When I was talking to Anthony (since he checked in with me every now and than) I saw a sign saying I had just left the Hoosier State Nat'l Forest and it had caves! Damn! I go through a damn forest and I dont get to see shit cause its dark as fuck out. I was missing all the cool stuff. When I finally made it across the Ohio River into Louisville, KY even though it was dark out the lights from Louisville reflecting off the river was beautiful. The city is much bigger than Omaha but it had an Omaha feel to it, I instantly liked it. : ) I was like a little kid looking all around taking everything in cause this was my home now. Kentucky. The travel seemed to go quick through KY, passing up Frankfort, which is the capital, I think. I kept looking around seeing as much as I could in the darkness. You could tell the scenery was so different than that of Nebraska. I even saw signs about being in falling rock zones. My reaction to those signs was like, "WHA?!" I finally saw signs leading me to Lexington, Richmond and finally the place Id call home for however long this ride lasts. I know that may seem like a shit way of looking at it and its not meant to come off sounding as it does but usually my luck doesnt amount to much and when it comes to me I usually end up fucking things up ALOT. Yup, just call it the curse of the (our lastname here). Its that suckass. I could see myself living here in KY always, its that gorgeous. I just hope its always with the boy. I hope that makes some bit of sense. I got off the exit and followed the directions Anthony gave me and before I knew it I was at our place. I couldve gone in the backdoor since he had left it unlocked for me but it just seemed cooler or maybe it was the signifigance of unlocking the front door and walking in that made it permanent? Either way, I liked the way I felt at that very moment. It was so late/early when we finally got here to our place that I just had everyone crash here for the night. Sharon was pissed about that but oh well. I called Anthony leaving him a msg telling him I was home and that everyone was crashing here for the night, than I finally crashed myself. I walked cautiously into our bedroom in observe mode... taking everything in. I saw the air matteress and pillows, his blanket and all I could do was think to myself, "Wow, only earlier he was right here in this room sleeping, getting ready for work...." Honestly, the way it all made me feel was overwhelming. I took a shower and than went to sleep in the bed. I dont recall sleeping too much because I was so incredibly nervous. Id hear a slight noise and spring up thinking he was home and how were we gonna react, what was I gonna say, you know all those things that you wonder when youve never met this person in real life yet you know you love them and want to be only with them. Of course, when it comes to me I always wonder the worst like, "Is he gonna hate me?" I guess I mustve fallen asleep finally though because when I woke up it was to him sitting in his computer chair staring down at me all sleepy looking and barely coherent. What a way to make an introduction, eh? I cant really recall all that he said to me, but I remember him introducing himself to me, saying, "Hi, Im Anthony". Heh, I remember thinking to myself thats odd. Whys he doing that for. I think I may have laughed alil. Twas cute though. : ) Oh, and I remember him asking me if he could get in the bed. I think I was so tired I said something like, "Well, its your bed do what you want" Mmm, I have such a way with words. :P I remember him holding me, mentioning how dark my hair was and telling me that he loved me.... I also remember him falling asleep and me wanting to look over to him but abit to scared too. Oh, yes Im such a dork. Shhh. Our initial meeting was odd because everyone was around and we really had no time for ourselves. I know we were both prolly real nervous around one another. We had a breakthrough moment though the next day on the couch.... we kissed and were gonna mess around but than everyone walked in on us. Grrr. We all went to Cumberland Gap, which really isnt all that far from where were living (at least I dont think) and checked that out. I rode in the car with Anthony. Which was nice but at the same time alil weird. I mean, weve been together for 9 months but at the same time weve been alone and apart so it was sorta like being single due to the other person being so far away so when I was in the car with him I was feeling abit awkward and a lack of things to say, mostly on my end but damn I didnt think Id be as nervous as I was around him. Anyway, the drive to Cumberland Gap was beautiful. So many trees, hills, rocks.... just scenic and pretty. Nebraska definetly cant compare but its still home to me. We had to go up a high winding road, my ears popped from the change in altitude. Cumberland Gap itself was absolutely breathtaking. Ive never been in such a beautiful place before. The Pinnacle Overlook offered an AMAZING view. The town below us looked like something made from man for a stage, such small scaled businesses and cars. The mountains, all hilly, filled with trees was gorgeous and a light mist and hawks gliding in the air. Mmm, god it made for a beautiful view. I couldve stayed there forever. We tried to find Cumberland Falls but that proved to be damn tricky. We went all around but never did find anything for it. It seemed like a secret of KY. You know something you knew was there but to find it required being resourceful. Apparently, the boy and I werent resourceful enough because we gave up and came back home. Maybe next time..... Of course anytime would not be complete without Rog starting his shit with me. And being here in KY in my own place with the boy didnt make a difference. It was embarrasing. I can only imagine what Anthony was thinking. After being here acouple days everyone left to go back to Nebraska. The goodbye was teary-eyed. I tried to be strong. I had to for Summers sake because she was very upset. When they were out of sight and I was back in the apt, I cried. I remember looking out the kitchen window at I75 wishing I was heading home with them because I missed them so much already. I still stare out at I75 sometimes and wonder what am I doing here. Its still abit hard to take it all in. I miss home but at the same time I dont. I cant really explain it right now.... anyway, this is home now and I'll get used to it. Besides Im here with the guy who means the world to me so I cant complain much. ; ) June 15th-- Ive been living in KY for 2wks now and am really loving it here. Ive been out exploring alittle by myself and other times with the boy. I think were beginning to catch on how this place works. I do think things between Anthony and I have still been awkward. I dunno on whose end its more on but it sucks abit. I dont think were acting like bf/gf. I think were both scared to say anything or do anything to one another that would show were a couple. Id like it to stop though cause I want the interaction.... I need it. I know it cant be all him making the moves either I need to show him too. Thats always the hard part for me. I guess in ways I wonder how into me he really is so I know how I should be acting towards him. Some things hes said has been hurtful to me although I doubt he knows that since I havent let on about it. I know acouple times hes mentioned things him and his ex-fiancee did and it bothers me. Im not sure why it bothers me so much cause Im not jealous of her. I think Im prettier than her actually. It prolly bothers me because it makes me wonder if hes really over her. I dont want to be some replacement. I know theyre over because she ended it but at the same time I wish he'd let her go and focus on me. Not like Im asking to be his fiancee cause I know Im not marriage material but I just want to show him how much I love him without feeling like Ive got to compete with someone whos not even in the game. I do my best not to bring up any ex's cause I know he gets jealous easily and Lord knows Ive had more than my fair share and cause its in the past. What I did with them doesnt matter because Ive moved on like they have and because I doubt Anthony would want to hear about it. June 19th- Today marked our 10 month anniversary. We didnt do anything special though because he had to work and needed sleep. When he got home from work he had alittle running around to do and than we talked until 11am. He went to sleep and I took out in search of a bank thats open later than noon. That proved interesting. Seems all the banks here are only accessible via the drive-thru and not the lobby, so I was pretty much screwed everywhere I went so in the end I went to Richmond and saw an older couple coming from the banks lobby and zoomed in there. A older guy and myself started talking as we walked up to the entrance. He was such a sweetie though cause he automatically let me go ahead of him but I declined and instead held the door open for him so he could go ahead of me and he told me he knew I was a sweetheart from the minute he saw me. Awww. That really made my day. Its the little things in life that are most important and that, his sincerity was it for me for the day. : ) The lady inside the bank looked at me crazy when I told her I needed a cashiers check for 1,615.$ and that I intended on paying cash for it. I got the cashiers check and headed on towards Big Lots. That place is not a favorite of mine but I gotta admit theyre alot different than the ones in NE and I had fun browsing the entire store. Than I decided since I was in Richmond Id try to find the place where the boy and I plan on getting our washer & dryer from..... I was unsuccessful. : / I than found my beloved, Taco Bell, got some food and headed back home. I fell asleep on the couch cause I was so damn tired and than realized the time and the boy wasnt up getting ready for work so I got him up, didnt realize he had reset his alarm clock. Oops. Either way I suppose me waking him up at 5p was -k- cause he was running abit late anyway. Poor thing was so tired : ( Mokah had been a bad gurl and woke him up afew times... needless to say the door will be closed from now on so he can get the sleep he needs. I headed back into Richmond to see if I couldnt find the place for the washer & dryer *again*. I winded around allover but I found it... and it was closed. I expected that but it still sucked and to top it off the hours werent listed for the place. Hmm. Guess we'll try Sunday or Monday cause damn we do need some clean clothes and were both procrastinating about going to a laundromat. Ahhh, procrastination is bliss! :P My folks and Summer are coming up tomorrow, Fathers Day. Mom said she cried when she left her dads place tonight. I plan on having her stay up here for abit, see how things go with that and if all goes well than she'll prolly stay here... or I dunno really. Id kind of like to get myself situated with school and a job first before I bring her here permanetly and Id like to have Anthony's input on the decision, too. Also, the mover will be here with my stuff, FINALLY! Anyway, its 3a and I should get some sleep. Im still not used to the different time zones, all in time I suppose. I got my stuff from the movers on Fathers Day. The delivery driver, Dwayne was so, so incredibly awesome! Talk about making someone feel at ease. We did awhole check off thing for all my items and he played with Mokah and when he was finally done, he gave me a hug, aint that cute? Twas nice... he offered to help me put my bed together but I had no clue how it went since my dad had been the one to do all that for me. Oh well. My folks arrived about 1.5 hrs after the movers did so mom & dad went into instant setup mode, ya know assisting in putting everything of mine away. We got alot accomplished though. Anthony met my folks that morning, everything seemed to be fine. In the week that they were here we didnt do anything except get our place situated. It still has some things strewn about but its looking more organized and less cluttered , ya know? The parents took an instant liking to the boy, which surprised me. And that goofy background check they were going on and on about never happened. Im glad they like him though. I know it wouldnt matter to me what they thought but still its nice to see them cool about it. They bought us a gas grill as a housewarming gift, that was totally nice and unexpected from them. Im used to seeing them do that shit for Seth and Val but not me. Its nice to see me gaining abit of respect from them. They left on Friday, June 25th. Im glad they came down because honestly if they hadnt I know everything would still be in boxes and nothing would be done. They were our lifesavers. Dad gave Anthony a handshake and mom went for a hug, heh. I wonder what was going through Anthony's mind right than. Alot of things happened with my stuff though in the move; like I didnt get it all. That was the case with my dining table but they did right and are sending what I paid for via FedEx for free. Talk about nice stuff there :D There could be so much more I could write about but really Im out of things to say. Im going through somewhat of a personal hell time with some things that have sorta happened around here that I care not to share or go into detail about right now just cause I dont know where we stand on some things.... why does shit always have to be so complicated? I was hoping he would call tonight on his break so I could get this off my mind and talk to him about all thats been bothering me. But he didnt, so maybe hes pissed off at me and I dont even know it. Hmmm. I wrote down all whats bothering me in a notebook on the computer desk of his, so maybe he'll stumble across it or something. I guess a part of me wrote it hoping he'll read it and take it to heart and another part of me is hoping he doesnt come across it. I know I should prolly set it out where he can see it but at the same time its something I dont want him to read and figure out on his own when I want him to know where it is exactly that Im coming from, make sense? I think Anthony is going to his folks today, guess that'll be good since he hasnt been to his folks since he moved in back at the 1st of the month and it doesnt sound like his dad is doing to hot. : / So, as always, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Anyways, I would expect this isnt the entry you wouldve liked to read but thats how things have happened thus far and I cant make up any stories to make it look pretty. Although, he has been a sweetheart when it counts.... like when I didnt feel good. He rubbed my tummy abit, played with my hair, brushed the side of my face with his hand, such a soft touch. Caring. Eh, I really do have to go this is making me upset and abit teary-eyed. Hope yall have a good day today and I shall be back soon with more to say when I feel like updating again. Much love, always. Sar |