if i had my way
@ 1:38 am on 10 April 2004
Listening: Every Mother's Nightmare- Wake Up Screaming CD
Well, lets see todays (technically yesterday's) events went alittle something like this....
Woke up and Rog was in a pissy mood, being short with me for no reason and having the biggest attitude ever. It all started because I asked if he would mind coming along with me to mail a package. I shouldnt have even asked. Than from there it progressed into absolute rage from both of us.
Than it went into why he hadnt been applying for work recently and his response was, "No one's gonna fucking hire me anyways... all their gonna do is say I'll call you back and they wont!"
True that has been in the case in almost every job search but thats not just him... everyone gets that same response but all you can do is apply and keep at it until someone gives you a chance. Getting discouraged, frusterated and giving up to where you stop even applying isnt going to open any doors for you. And he got pissed because since he was being a jerk I said, "you know what? FUCK YOU! Figure out how to submit the applications back on your own without my help!!!!"
Which just further enraged him. I slammed the bathroom door because I wanted to escape further yelling and because I had to pee.... just as I sit down he storms in... WTF?! I scream, "get the hell out of here" over his rants and finally he leaves. I come out and head to the room to get dressed and he continues to bitch.... I just decide screw it, its not even worth it... besides soon I wont have to deal with any of this. Seriously thats about the only thing that keeps me going... just knowing that soon Im gonna be out of here and wont have to hear him, wont have to see him, wont have to deal with him constantly being a jerk to me.
After that whole fight died down, we headed out and submitted the few apps, went to mail the package and picked up some dinner. Its crazy, our relationship is totally a love/hate thing. I love to hate him. lol
Nah, hes decent and we havent fought like that in such a long, long time... we were due is all I can chalk it up to but regardless Im still going to be happy when I dont have to be in this type of enviroment.
I talked to Anthony abit before he went to work about places and got alittle frusterated but I know how he is and his concerns are valid ones so I cant do much except deal the best I can. I guess if it does come down to it I can leave Mokah here for abit... its just I would really like to be able to take something of importance to me with me so I dont feel so alone.
Im not going to be alone there obviously with my baby around but still to leave everything Im so familiar and used to and not have even the slightest bit of 'home' with me is definetly gonna make some tough times ahead for me personally.
It instantly makes me think of my Grandma. Ahh, geez it makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it. My relationship with my grandma hasnt ended because of her death. If somethings bothering me I'll talk outloud to her cause I know she hears and listens.... Alot of times I get in my car and go out to the cemetary, sitting at her grave. Sometimes I tell her things and wonder what she would offer me as advice and as Ive sat there spilling my guts out to her I lovingly brush at her headstone clearing the leaves, dirt, whatever may be blocking out her name because I dont want anyone to forget the impact she made and continues to make.
I think about how Im gonna be in KY and be so far away from her resting place, how I wont be able to just get in my car and drive to her. Where or what will be my calm? I guess it does scare me abit to be leaving all Im accustomed too and in ways I dont want to forget. I know I wont forget but, well hopefully somebody out there knows what I mean....
Anyway, out of the places I called one gal was totally fine with Mokah. I was so surprised about that. She seemed nice and was definetly interested in our current situation. She was asking me if I wanted to come view the apts and I was like, "well thats going to be hard to do since Im calling you from Nebraska". Heh, crazy. So, of course I had to go into alil detail about Anthony being there and me being here and blah blah blah... so like a doorknob I forgot to mention to him if he wanted to check it out that he would have to call her and be the one to do that bit. Guess I'll let him know lates. I have more places to call today when I wake up. Its saturday so maybe people will actually be home and will answer their phones. I also keep forgetting that theyre 1hr ahead of me so I could be calling at some suck ass times. *shrugs* ANSWER YOUR PHONES DAMMIT, IMMA CALLING!! There. Maybe that will help some. lol
Oh, and today I think Sum and I are gonna head out to Nobbies and see what kind of crap we can get to toss inside the goody bags for her party. I also need to pick up the goodies to make smores. Mmmmm.... smores!
Ha! I wonder if Anthony likes 'smores. I could strategically place bits of graham cracker, melted marshmallow and chocolate on me. Its worth a shot, right? Besides who would turn away a sexy sarah smore??? ;)
And on that note... I leave you. Sweet dreams. xo.
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