breaking the silence
@ 10:12 pm on 07 January 04
Listening: Mandy Moore- Only Hope
A friend I havent spoke to in over 2yrs msg'd me acpl days ago. It was kinda weird. Weird because we had always flirted and sort of intended on hooking up but he went out and got some asian chic who hated NU Football.
So, I spent countless days listening to him go on and on about her (not necessarily a bad thing) but it was always over the same thing. The same complaint. The complaint being she wasnt a fan of NU Ball. She hated it with a passion and she did everything she could to piss him off, even go as far as to come close to destroying his Husker 'prized posession' which was a jersey of Eric Crouch's signed personally and pics to go along with the moment.
He than spent several hundred dollars and waited afew weeks for this jersey to be framed and matted. All in all it looked damn nice.... and for it to be destroyed was... well, awful. lol
I dunno what else could be said I mean it was prolly the end of his world since hes the biggest NU fan I know, knew.
Anyways, I have no idea where the hell I was going with that. Just a memory when I think of him. So, last time we had spoke despite his asian womans hatred for his love of football he was heading down to TX to be with her. And that was that.
So, for him to msg me out of the blue was a suprise. I havent said much to him because in ways I feel like he can just fuck off. Im not sure what Im thinking at the moment to be honest. I just dont want him thinking if we start talking things will be cool between us as they once were, cause they wont.
I was reading your diary, Eric, as I always do when you update (which is sporadic :P but I still love ya!) and was thinking about how you said you and your friends used to be the 'four horsemen'. It does suck so much when a group that was once so tight falls apart. My lil group that I adored was:
Rog, Paul, Chris, Bernard, Shane and Sharon. We always did everything together. If one of us couldnt do something we all forfeited. One or all kind of deal which was cool.
The fellas always had my back no matter what though. Bernard and I went waaaaay back. We were friends in elementary. Heh. Damn, now that is old school. Needless to say in ways I felt like I was his in whatever way you want to call it because we shared everything together and like I said always made sure no dude fucked with me. I liked it though. Made me feel secure, these werent just friends but familia.
Shane and I hated each other in junior high but because Bernard and him were so close I guess we felt obligated to get along. It took awhile but he ended up being such a cool guy and good friend. He was the one I wrote about that lost his life in the car accident.
Chris always had a thing for me and I adored him like no other but we just left it at friends. Not always bad.
I was with Rog and Paul relationship-wise back and forth. I just couldnt resist the two. I spent alot of time with Paul and the 'ol camaro. Good, good times.
But more than anything I wish I could find out what happened to Paul. I went over to his house one day with Bernard and Sharon and Elijah (Pauls bro) said he had to leave to Oregon and that he would be back. Acouple weeks go by.... periodically checking in with Eli about Pauls return and than we go by that following week and everyone is gone without a trace. God it was so weird. No one ever heard from them again. I have no idea Pauls whereabouts but if there was any way at all I could get in touch with him I would.
I still have his ring he gave me, still wear it every now and than. I still listen to our song (Ozzy- Fire In The Sky) and wonder where he is, what hes doing, how hes doing, etc. Basically all the thoughts that you would think of.....
I miss him. Alot. I would be lying to say he didnt at one time capture my heart. I wouldnt have had it any other way.
Just another memory. I wouldnt know how to get in touch with him if I wanted-- I knew little of Paul except what we shared. :)
Im looking forward to some more memorable events before Im outta NE. I dont have much time. It seems like my departure is quickly approaching. I just hope Im ready for it. Its no secret Anthony and I have been getting along as well as rival enemies do. Yep, that fantastically. :P
All our fights and arguments have been over some of the most stupidest shit. Quite afew of the fights have been over his insecurities and him letting those get the best of him-- and afew times they have.
We have come to an understanding and have put it behind us- hopefully. I know there are several things between us both that we need to work on to strengthen this relationship if it is indeed meant to last.
I know Denver (friend and fellow band member) is gonna be around, always. And to be honest it sucks. I would never make Anthony choose between me and Denver... but it sure does seem like he wants Anthony to do just that and ditch me. Denver hasnt liked me from day one and I cant help but think his words and opinions in some ways affect Anthonys feelings/doubts towards me. I hate that. Now, true I could be totally wrong but its my understanding most his friends hassle him about his 'internet gf'. It has to have some effect, doesnt it?
All my friends have been amazingly supportive. Thats been really nice it makes things easy for me.
Im trying to be the understanding gf but it sure is hard when doubts were always being thrown my way. I only hope the doubts end or we will soon follow.... and I really dont want that.
Heres to hoping we get back on track and get things back to where they used to be....
My friend, Sharon is very sick. Like the possibilities of being hospitalized sick. Shes been calling nonstop to try and convince me what a great idea it would be for me to stay at her house and watch her son (my godson) if it does come down to that. So, whats the problem you ask?
Well, the fact that she only comes around when she needs someone for starters. 'Scuse me but Im not a doormat waiting to be stepped on for your many usings and thats how she makes me feel. True, we are bestfriends but we havent done anything together since I turned 21. Hello! That was over 4 yrs ago. I havent been invited to either of my godkids birthday parties or anything. So, I dunno you see where I am on the 'ol friendship pole. Yep, clear the fuck at the bottom.
So, I ask this. Why? Why should I be the nice decent friend that I am and help her out? Oh, I know why. Its because her fairweather friends that she mainly hangs with dont want to have to watch her child for whatever time frame she would be hospitalized. Same goes for her sister and aunt. Same goes for Devin's dads side of the familia.
So, lets ask reliable Sarah. Uh, lets not because Sarah isnt going to do it either. Maybe that sounds mean and cruel considering I could in fact do it but dont feel like being inconvienced, that she could be put in the hospital, etc. But damn why do I have to pull through as the reliable friend?
I havent given you the time of day until I need something and wah~la! Here I am, *friend*. Bullshit.
Im not doing it either. Call me cruel and heartless, it matters not to me. Maybe she'll learn a lesson but I doubt it.
Anyways kiddies.... I have an email from Anthony that Ive been avoiding because I really am at a loss of what to say so maybe I'll go tackle that. WIsh me luck and lots of it. This gurlie shall be needing it.
Sweet Dreams. xo.
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