suicidal fun Listening: Foggy- Come Into My Dreams
Here I sit writing a entry for the world to see. What will they see?
I have for the past few weeks been very depressed/suicidal. You would never know it though because Im very good at hiding it. You may see me having my ups and downs here but you dont see me wishing death for myself. Just to escape this life, all this bullshit. *Ive been sick for over a month and I feel like shit. Most is cold/flu related. My body aches. *Ive had horrible nightmares that wont go away which equals me not sleeping at all. I told Anthony about these nightmares (what I remembered of them anyways... ) but when I told him I left out one thing that only my gurl knew. Which was he had been killed. He was one of the mangled, twisted bodies lying there.... :(
*The stupid arguments Anthony and I have gotten into for the past week. And prolly the one from lastnight was the worst to me for several reasons.
Im beginning to think we wont make it.
Because at a time when I need him most, to be supportive he really isnt.
*Rog and I agreed no fights and probably lastnight was one of our worst. I cant recall what started it. Well lastnight it did get to Summer and it wasnt pretty. She was such a little mess. And it was my doing. Some fucking parent I am. I said I didnt want to be like my mom was to me. And I havent done that to her but the fights sure as hell arent any better. And because of that it makes me no better than my mom and her fucked up world. And THAT hurts me.
*My folks throwing me into the middle of their arguments with my aunt over Christmas. Theyre adults can they just talk about it and leave me out? It doesnt seem like much does it? But picture all of this happening about every day of your life and it will get to you eventually.
I was thinking about Jason and his life. How much he seems to have had gone through. Were so much alike in our thoughts and views. He was feeling down and I said to him, "your screen name shows your weak/strong side, when your in the chatroom everyone sees your funny humorous joking side and when you talk to me I can see through it all".
*Sigh* .... I just want everything in my life back to where it was not so long ago. Happy. Secure. Planning a life with my bf. That new start. It all seems impossible. I dont even know if he considers me his gf now.
The only good thing that came from lastnight was that Rog can be really decent, nice and supportive. I havent seen that side of him in a long, long time. But what he said to me lastnight when he talked to me about how I was feeling was just what I needed. Anyways, I'll finish this up abit later. -k-, so Im back to finish up
Ive been sitting here with Rog, talking to him about my problems. I cant help but feel like Im betraying Anthony because Im not talking to him about it.... and I feel like hes the one I should be talking too. *sigh*
Im just having a rough, rough time right now. I know I wont try hurting myself. Because Ive been down that road and I dont choose to go there now. All these problems will go away soon and I can get myself back to how I was, how I am, how I want to be. As long as Ive got a good support sys going on than all should be fine. Right? |