time to face my demons.... Listening: Type O Negative- Christian Woman Did I mention how much I love this song? Mmmm. Ive lusted over Peter Steele before in here though so I shall not repeat it again. I will spare you all my deepest darkest desires to rape that man. Yummm.
Anyways, I got to talking with my gurlie about how shes reunited with her dad, Milton. I think shes very fortunate and lucky. Im happy for her yet at the same time disappointed in myself and my own relationship with my mom. Hell, my dad too.
My dad and I were always very close. I think that mustve made mom insane with jealousy, since he had wanted a gurl. But, still when I was little he didnt stick up for me with all the put downs and constantly being told I was worthless from her. I never got to go anywhere with my parents either. My responsibilities were at home. Cleaning.
All my days were the same. Staying inside, cleaning, being told I was nothing and would never be anything. Shit, almost Cinderella & evil stepmother-like. Tragik.
Anyways, dad would come in with his same speech, I swear to you I had this speech memorized. Yeah, thats how many times I had to listen to it. "Why do you always aggravate your mother?",
"You know how she is bug, why dont you try to make things easier for you and us?", "If you would do as your mother would tell you things would be fine and you could avoid the constant arguments." I wish. I wish it couldve been all so simple. I finally spoke up and told her one day how it was going to be. I was yelling. I was pissed. Furious. Enraged at the years she stole from me. Years I'll never get back. A childhood I missed out on. Junior high and HS in a blurr because I didnt care. I was living each day like it was my last cause I wanted it to be so bad. Waking up wishing you hadnt, I can assure you is not the ideal thought in the morning but it was mine for many years. Suicide attempts failed. Either I was lousy at the attempts, didnt try hard enough, I was a loser and couldnt even get that right according to mom OR I had to live for something.
I cant even begin to describe the emotional and mental torment that woman put me through. Ive never hated anyone as much as I hated her. And while I have learned how to be one of the most evilest bitches out there courtesy of mom [thanks...]. I learned that all of her abuse was nothing but a mind game. A very fucking cruel mind game. Maybe not intentional on her part because its a vicious cycle and her dad was the same way towards her. Hence the reason they dont speak anymore. I guess what Im saying through all this is... I dont want to be like that. Im 25. Ive suffered my moms abuse for all 25 years. I say all 25 because even though I spoke up and confronted her and called her bluff on things which caught her offguard I still get the mental abuse every now and than. Very rare but it does happen. I want to have a fresh start with my mom. A mother-daughter relationship. I want to be able to tell her things and be secure, confident. Most of all to trust her. If something is bothering me or on my mind Id like to be able to have her as a person I can talk too, who can give me motherly advice. I want her to love me. Really love me. Back in '95 when I had Summer, we got close. She helped me with Summer waking up and taking care of her for me. But still it was hell. She wanted control and I knew it. I didnt even get to name Summer but thats another story for another time. But, she did help and regardless I appreciated it cause I was 17, naieve about babies and had no clue. Heh.
When I finally had the whole baby thing down I decided to return back to my grandpas house. At that point mom was treating Summer as if she were her own. When we left, she cried. Sobbed uncontrollably. Dad pushed me towards her and I knew what I had to do. I had to pretend I cared. Cared about her, for her, what she was going through. I wasnt though, if anything I was furious that she would be so upset over my daughter leaving with me when she couldnt even be like that towards me, ever.
Last year [Christmas '02] she tried her 2nd attempt at getting close. She had been very ill and hospitalized for acpl weeks. She had just got out a week before Christmas. My daughter and I were over helping decorate the tree as we had done every Christmas since Sum was a baby. During our usual Christmas Eve get together when it was finally time to go, she thanked me for her gifts and I of course thanked her for my own. And she went to hug me... but I stepped away. I just... couldnt bring myself to make that step forward. I wasnt ready. But I am now.
Alot between us has happened this year and as it comes to a close and I approach my 26th I dont want to put a relationship with mom off anymore. I want to get close. I want to forgive, forget and accept what happened to me is in the past.
So, hopefully come Christmas time I will be able to tell her I forgive her for the past, tell her I love her and embrace her. And get to feel love from my mom for the first time, ever. And I would just really like to thank my gurlie and Anthony for making me realize.... Thank you. I love you both. ♥
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