hurting inside Listening: Limp Bizkit- Behind Blue Eyes **If you havent listened to this, you really should. Check out the original version by The Who. And now today's entry.
Today was going pretty good up until this afternoon. Anthony and I got into, well I dont know what you would really call it. It wasnt like a fight or even an argument but it made me feel bad nonetheless. You see, Rog isnt just a roommate here, he's also my daughter's father. I swear on my life I thought I had told Anthony that before. It was nothing for me to be secretive about and it was nothing I meant to be kept from him -- which in all honesty I dont feel like I did since I thought I had told him. I think what prolly hurt me the most though was Anthony saying to me that he wondered what my intentions for him were. It made me feel like he thought I was being sneaky and plotting a scheme of sorts on him. And I would never do that to him. I really dont know what he meant by that comment and he didnt say after I asked..... so I still wonder. All I know is it makes me feel somewhat along the lines of how I felt when my cuz said (in our fight awhile back) that I have nice things (materialistic things) because I slept around to get it, which of course is not true. And no Im not putting this in to bring up the past... its just that comment from my cuz hurt me and his comment hurt me and I associate how I feel this very moment how I felt when she said it. Does that make any sense? And he kept asking me if there was more that I needed to tell him about... I guess he was expecting me to have more hid from him so to speak. He said to me that he considers me his bestfriend, that he wants me to see him the same way and I do. Yet in ways I feel like if he considers me a bestfriend and knows me shouldnt he have known I wouldnt have kept something like that from him? *Sigh* Im just confused but what else is new, right?
Dont take what I say as it all being him because it wasnt and Im to blame too.
Rog and I havent been in a relationship in so damn long. Im talking several years. We know where we stand with each other. Its been that way since we went our seperate ways. Nothing has changed. Maybe it looks/appears as me coming off jealous when hes with other women but thats not it at all. I know that whomever we see affects Summer. Im picky to who he selects because these woman he sees have never taken an interest in Summer. I want his daughter to be a part of his life and she cant if these women dictate his life like that. I've dealt with him taking off on Summer 3xs. Three. I seriously cannot handle it a 4th, 5th, 6th etc time. For Summer's sake. I cant sit there and explain it again why her dad would rather be with the flavor of the month instead of spending time with her....
I guess me putting this in here is as real as you can get or as real as I can get. So, here it is- out for everyone to see Sarah isnt always as tough as she would like everyone to think. Anthony YOU have my heart, you have for a long, long time... even before we got together. That will never change. Know that. Always. I Love You. .....Night kiddies. |