really confused... Was I missed? Heh, prolly not. Anyways, straight to business I've got no time for idle chit~chat.
First off, I've been totally confused and unsure of what I should be doing. I in some ways stood up Tony by not showing up on Saturday even though it was absolutely unavoidable. I 'think' weve got over this...so moving along. And than theres 'C', who is an awesome guy and a fellow pisces, we connect quite well and hes alot of fun. Always making me laugh and being there for me no matter what BUT I know nothing could come of it. He smokes pot and while I dont have a prob with that I do have a prob with how often hes 'baked', *shrugs* it gets old real quick talking to someone who is dear to you but is incoherent alot. :( If you read this crazy thing- Im sorry 'C'.
After that it was pretty rocky because his friends were mentioning things like I was never going to show up, etc. And from there everything we had unraveled....... I wont lie when I say I want him and his being back in the picture (I think?) complicates things. Alot. But than again my life has always been chaotic. And to end on Vic, when he told me "Goodnight Sweetheart" it was all I could do to keep my composure. You see, he used to always call me sweets, doll and sweetheart. I could visualize in my mind the way he looked, his voice, the tone and the way he meant it and after he went offline I broke down in tears. *Sigh* I missed him so much. He has me so torn. I shouldnt be thinking about him like this, hes taken. And than theres Brad, with whom I love with all my heart. I know it doesnt seem that way given all my guys listed above there but I do love him and I would sacrifice to keep him happy- at any cost. We've tried this twice now. Theres something there or this wouldnt work. I dont want to foolishly lose him. Brad and I have talked marriage, kids, where to live etc. When I visualize longterm, its him I envision it with. I think whats really getting to me with this relationship is hes in AZ and Im here in NE and we barely get to talk. Its a rareity that Ive come to cherish. Im doing my best to be patient with the situation but its very hard for me to do. Patience has never been my thing and I struggle. He was supposed to be here but that didnt happen and so I find myself wondering is this all worth it? And I read what he writes me and I decide, yes it is. Hes worth the sacrifices Im making for this relationship. On the other hand I wanted him to come to TX with me and live with me while I attend school but he didnt seem thrilled with the idea. Maybe Im looking into this more than I should but I cant even begin to understand WHY he wouldnt want to come with me when hes the one whos always stressing the importance of US. I mean hes brought up the topics of kids, marriage and a life together several times .. so if those are things he wants than whats the big deal with sharing a place together? *Confused* Eh, well now that Ive fucking wrote a novel Im going to shut up. |