feelin like saturday crap Hmmmm... I really dont know where to begin. Im feeling abit like crap today and I have no idea why. I get like this quite abit lately and choose not to write about it because usually everyone thinks Im happy all the time. Which isnt the case and now all of you people who read this damn thing know. Yep. Im not happy all the time if ever. I do a good job at pulling it off though, dont I? Anyway, I confessed something to my cuz that in some ways deals with her. She didnt take it as bad (good thing). But regardless its still on my mind. Part of me says, "Ok, she was fine with it... now move on because it isnt really feasible". And another part of me longs to make it a reality. Which I know absolutely cant be done. And in ways that I never thought possible it makes me abit sad. I refuse to let my dilemma get in my way of having fun while Im down there in Aug.
And yes, sadly my mind every now and than goes back to a time when I was happier than I ever thought I could be. Maybe that was only an illusion, maybe he didnt feel the same way but Im sure deep down he did love me with all his being. And I miss Brad terribly. I want to have all the same things with Brad that I had with my wonderful ex but it seems impossible when he is so far away. I dont blame him for that. What his situation is in AZ is our thing right now to deal with and when this obstacle is out of the way than we can be together and focus on the things we need to make this relationship work. There isnt anything I would change between us except to have him here. But I think some one on one time would be good. And no, I dont mean sex. I mean mental stimulation. Things that show he cares. I know he loves me and I know he cares- Ive never once doubted it. I just need the reassurance. And me, I need it alot. Or I start to feel like a worthless piece of shit. I really miss you, love. |