rest in peace, my loves. tuneage: Well, "big tom" has been ignored and Ms. Sarah's world is once again at peace. Momentarily anyways. I did end up going to the cemetary very late. I still have no idea why I went because the pain and hurt I feel is still very much an open wound for me and instead of learning to deal with it and what happened I just block it out. I wish I didnt. I visited my Grandma's grave. I see my familia had already been there and brought a beautiful assortment of flowers. Im sure Grandma wouldve approved of the selection. I didnt sit down I just stood peering down at her headstone. Reading the dates over and over, reading her lastname chiseled into the stone and still after 13 1/2 yrs the outline of the hole is still visible....
I got to thinking about all the things we used to do together. A big thing we always did was goto the mall on the weekends. It always ended up the same. Me getting my hair done, shopping for goodies for me and grandma followed by lunch. It was always such a good time.
And the other time was when she was hospitalized, I was still too young to be visiting in the hospital but I snuck in, wearing makeup and acting older. Either the staff believed I was of age or they knew how much she meant to me and just let me be. I seriously thought she wouldnt make it. She was sick for awhile there but soon recognized her family but that was only after a weird incident happened.
Than I thought about all the wonderful things she had always done for me. I thought about how she died too. But that still haunts me and I cant talk about it. It was so unfair and not expected.
Lastly, I remember the painful days at the mortuary and the funeral itself. I remember being at the church, standing beside her open casket, touching her cold flesh, staring blankly at her. I gave her 2 or 3 of my pound purries and puppies so she wouldnt be alone or scared in heaven.... the lid closing slowly over her until the light was nothing more but darkness over her.
Going to the cemetary, watching everyone in black walk away back to their cars. My dad left with his buddies and came home several hours later, after the bars had closed, drunk. Anyways, after re-living all of that I told her how much I missed her and wished she were still here. Wondered if she was proud or disappointed in me. In what Ive become? Wonder if she's proud of her great-granddaughter? Summer had always swore to me when she was smaller that Grandma visited her. She described what she looked like in her younger days to a T with never seeing her pics when she was in her 20s.... I cried abit and than walked on to my next grave. I didnt say or do much at Shane's. I re-lived the horror of his freak accident and left it at that. Wondered how he was doing and was he hanging out shootin hoops in heaven. Shane was killed when the brakes on his car went out and he was high on a hill, car speeding out of control and came crashing head first into a concrete wall. Needless to say, impact killed him as he was not wearing a seatbelt. His mom and his siblings were devastated as was all of our close friends. All of us close friends and his gf along with his mom planned the funeral. I was too depressed to attend the services. I still struggle with his death. I miss you Shane. And than, Kenyatta's grave. Kenyatta was a high school senior who was kidnapped from the school's parking lot one morning. She would be found several months later by a jogger in a ditch. Her body mangled by her killers and raped repeatedly. They did catch her killers, who ended up being 2 white loser punks who were associated with the KKK and did it because they hated "niggers". Its too bad she wasnt one of those awful words, she was a person with a bright future. She was to be our homecoming queen, but she couldnt celebrate that honor. She was lifeless in a ditch. *Sigh* In the end one of her killers hung himself in prison and the other was let go do to lack of evidence. Whatever. I miss them all so very much. It eats away at me why Im still here and theyve been taken..... I know HE has a plan for all of us but I wish he couldve delayed theirs all awhile.... |